Brain on Drugs #5

Every new year, I say to myself, “Vic, this shit’s gonna be lit. You’re going to do X, Y, and Z. It’s gonna be dope.” And then the following year proceeds to bite me in the ass. Like literally the last four years of my life. Recurring theme.

That span equates to the entire time I’ve been in college… and most of my senior year of high school too. Coincidence? I think the fuck not.

I don’t know how much I can stress how utterly fed up I am with college. If I hadn’t already spent so much money getting here, I probably would’ve dropped out.

But it’s almost over. I have two full months of undergrad remaining and honestly, I’m pretty excited.

Excited to (hopefully) get out of Mississippi, to be my own person, to not have to do group projects anymore… the list could go on.

But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. A bitch is almost done paying on these probation fees. A bitch is getting consistent-ish with her blogging. She’s finally putting some plans into action. I feel good.

I don’t want to jinx my 2018 but lately I’ve been feeling pretty good about the future. The bad energy is clearing out.

I’m satisfied with leaving it at that.

Brain on Drugs #4

I lied about not smoking weed.

Sorry not sorry.

2017 is out this bitch. Not officially, but honestly, the last four months of every year generally fly by in a gust of classes, stress, bills, and credit card debt. So in my mind, this shit is basically over.

That’s not to say shit still can’t go down in the next four months, but I’m not holding my breath.

One of my biggest goals at this juncture is to have at least three pairs of matching socks… Among getting my shit together to apply to grad school and slowly trying to pry myself from the jaws of debt.

Not to downplay all that but the socks thing would just be really personally satisfying.

I’m really thinking NYC is the move.

The application opens any day now and a bitch is ready.

My life finally feels like it’s moving, like it might actually be worth staying alive just so I can see what’s about to happen.

That was dark but I’m a dark bitch so…

Life is Funny Enough Without Your Bullshit

Listening to this recent mailbag episode of The Read has me thinking…

In particular, the question called “Trump stole my swag” or something like that. It was a man writing who had just recently been married. Evidently they had hats made with a hashtag and the hats were red and the print was white. Just like Trump’s campaign hat. 

Fury and Crissle told him to retire that shit though he seemed reluctant to do so in his letter. Just because Trump took his swag, so he says.

One of my many random ass obsessions is symbolism. I mean if we think about it, that’s all that differentiates us from any other animal – the capacity to impose meanings on symbols or objects to organize our thoughts, communities, and cultures. The alphabet, our number systems, our vocabularies, our cultures are nothing but commonly accepted meanings that have been imposed onto arbitrary shapes that early people drew into the sand. 

Now look at us now. 

I said all that to say that symbols are powerful, and that red and white hat is one that tightens my sphincter anytime I see it. 

It was the horocrux that Trump imbued with a piece of his old and rotting soul, and thus I’ve come to see the hat as a symbol of ignorance, xenophobia, egoism, and out right fuckery.

Sometimes it’s not even a Make America Great Again hat. Even the color and style of it is enough to make me roll my eyes.

Now, I have a motley bunch of associates of all races. And some of them (who I really don’t know that well) think it’s cool to wear that shit “ironically.”

“You know I don’t really think that way in real life.”

*rolls eyes*

My thing is…  there’s plenty of things in life that are actually funny.

I think it’s funny how I’m in 20K worth of debt for a goddam degree that everybody told me I needed. 

I think it’s funny how bitches think they can try me in Walmart and cut me in the checkout line. 

I think it’s funny that some of these people out here really thought Donald Trump would be a good president.

The material is endless without you going for the lowest hanging fruit for a laugh. 

Bitch, THIS ain’t funny. This lunatic is going to kill us all. 

And the thing about symbols is that one they are assigned a meaning, it usually sticks and it’s hard to change it. 

So even people who wear the hat just for shits and giggles, or have a similar looking accessory at home, just retire that shit and have a seat. It’s okay. 

Besides, it’s probably best to let it be. The red and white trucker hat has been tainted for all eternity. It ain’t cute any more. 

Brain on Drugs #3

Classes have started again. 

Being a black face in white places has been a constant in my life. 

Classes at a PWI for someone who’s black used to be quite anxiety inducing. My neurosis goes back to elementary, a place where I was also a minority. 

I can never shake the feeling that I’ve got something to prove. And though I prove time and time again that being an intellectual isn’t just a “white thing,” there is still a pressure – a sort of performance anxiety. 

Perhaps none of these white folks actually consider me to be in some way inferior to them. Perhaps this paranoia is all in my head. It’s my senior year, and throughout my time here, in many of my classes, I have cemented myself as the smart, quiet girl in the back of the room. 

Yet still, there is the thought that I’m still competing.

How’s that for double consciousness? 

Brain on Drugs #2

Bitch. I’m on probation.

Piss tests for four months. Six months to pay these fucking fines.

And all this legal bullshit has me thinking about what bullshit America’s drug laws are.

Consider opium. A plant used to make morphine, a powerful analgesic drug used in hospitals.

It’s also the one thing you need to make heroin…

You can also cook with the white latex-y stuff that comes out of the flower when you scratch it.

One is legal and one is not. But if we’re calling a spade a spade, it’s the same goddamn thing. The United States has a deep history of picking and choosing its holier-than-thou moments and it’s enforcement of drug laws is no exception. As of now, opium and its derivative opiates are “Schedule II” drugs under U.S. Federal Law. Can you guess what marijuana is?

Schedule I.

That’s right. In the eyes of the law, marijuana is more dangerous than heroin. But nobody’s ever over dosed on weed before. Like ever.

I’m gone play along with this probation bullshit for now. Because jail is a real thing.

But I’m screaming “Fuck the system,” every step of the way.

 

 

This is my brain on drugs #1

I have a real interest in power.

No, not the show, like the concept.

I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix lately. Mostly shit that I’ve seen at least 100 times over like Parks and Rec and The Office. But recently I got into El Chapo.

I’ll spare you the details of this guy and his real life exploits. There’s wikipedia for that.

When I think about the people who have shaped history, it’s not the guys in the textbooks who I tend to admire (for whatever reason). It’s the “villains” of history that make the story so great in my opinion. The traitors, committers of treason, the down-right insane, the Jacobins, the Henry the 8th’s, the Hitlers, the , the Stallins, the Guzmans, the Escobars.

I guess in a sick twisted way, all of them thought they were doing the right thing. And when emboldened by a cause, anyone can do anything.

I really like shows like “El Chapo” and “Narcos” that show the methodology to the madness, if you will. The men behind the machine. And the more I watch and study, the easier it is for me to see how anyone of us, if given an inch, can take the whole damn mile – if one is ballsy enough to do so.

Sidebar: I feel like, a lot of the movies that I think of as some of the best in (recent) cinema history are movies that kind of play with the same ideas. The Godfather, Scarface, Citizen Kane… I’ll even throw Training Day in there.

And y’know, I am in no way glorifying these people for what they did. Obviously they brought danger and harm to vast swaths of people throughout history and that is something I don’t condone.

But I am saying that the shit happened. Not once, but multiple times throughout history.

People tend to discredit the villain and say “don’t be like that,” but villains are people too and there’s a little bit of villain in everybody. Sometimes, I even think the “villains” in the story tend to teach us more than the heroes ever do.

But ion know… I’m just talking my shit over a blunt.