When I Think of Home

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series College: What the F@#k Even Was That?

I’m going to grad school in NYC, we’ve talked about this.

Typical of a new college grad, people keep asking me what my plans are for the future. When I tell them grad school, they almost always ask, “Back up at Ole Miss?” If I say or The New School in Manhattan not too many people know what I’m talking about unless they’re in academia so I usually just respond, “No, New York.”

When I say New York, they’re eyes immediately widen and the first thing out their mouth is usually something like, “Oh, so far away!” or “Wow, isn’t it dangerous up there?” In my head, I’m like Well shit, no more dangerous than Jackson. That ain’t but an hour up the highway and they are literally killing the game in homicides right now so… your point? No, deadass, I’m pretty sure Jackson is ranked #1 for homicides in Mississippi – if not #1, somewhere close. 

People are afraid of things they don’t know – I get it but I feel like when I say New York people automatically think New Jack City or The Warriors. And gentrification is a motherfucker and it’s completely own issue that warrants its own seperate conversation but it is also to my benefit that I can pay rent (albeit astronomical) to live in certain areas and be guaranteed relative security. AGAIN, NOT SAYING THAT GENTRIFICATION IS A GOOD THING, but this is just basic sociology at play. But I digress…

Of course, everyone is happy that I appear to be doing something with my life but I still catch the shade veiled in feigned excitement and concern. Perhaps this is all in my head but… whatever, we here now.

So what do I hate so much? Why am I so antsy to leave?

See, it’s not just shade, it’s the principle, I suppose. I know it’s concern but it feels like negativity and I’m just not trying to entertain that.

Most obviously…

M I S S I S S I P P I

The cradle of the confederacy and conservative politics where I’ve personally had to deal with all the microaggressive, ignorant ass, bullshit preconceived notions people have about well… everything. The fundamentalism, the bigotry, the white supremacy, the heteroracistpatriarchy… I mean, that shit’s everywhere, true – but Mississippi just has its own special brand of this shit.

Of course home will always be home and it’s always going to have a special place in my heart and yada yada, but dis tew much. It’s simply too much.

I cannot. I’m tired.

I need some real hurdles to jump.

That feeling in your stomach when you’re riding a roller coaster up the track to a huge drop and you hear that ticking noise and you know with every tick you get closer to the drop and you’re trying to brace yourself and take deep breaths and shit but you’re lowkey freaking out. That’s a metaphor for my life rn.

If the nigga next to me is freaking out, THAT’S PROBABLY GOING TO MAKE ME FREAK THE FUCK OUT!

 

But whatever… Moral of the story is: “My life is like light up sneakers. Long as I keep walkin’ I know I’m gone shine…”

I am very aware of the history of Mississippi and the history of the South and the sacrifices and gains that were made as far as Civil Rights and I honor those who were active in that struggle. I’ve seen the work being done first hand to improve the sociopolitical atmosphere in the state and I’m proud to have witnessed and been apart of some of that but, compared to the rest of the world, shit is still moving at a snail’s pace. And the frustrating thing is that it really doesn’t have to but people are just too stubborn to change.

I really just need to bounce for my own peace of mind and that’s really it.

 

 

 

Moving On Up

Though I can’t yet afford the deluxe apartment in the sky, I’m actually beginning to plan for this big move to my own little “east side,’ or what will more likely be somewhere in Harlem.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that this ain’t about to be all roses. In life, you have to take the crookeds with the straights, right? Right. Financial woes will come. Inconveniences will come. General life fuckery will come…. and that’s fine because the good times will be just that much sweeter.

I’m starting this move on a good foot, though. The line up for Afropunk 2018 is out and after last year’s experience, Reuben and I were kind of side eyeing this year’s proceedings. But the line up is fire and I’m gonna be in town or whatever *flips hair* – #gradgang, #gradstudent – so we said why the fuck not. Afropunk, here we come! Back like cooked crack! Here we go like Mystical!

Alright, I’m done.

Now, check back in with me in a few months, and I might not be singing the same song but I’m gone continue to keep on keeping on. Now that I’m actually in the MFA program at The New School, I want to get my master’s. I want this next notch on my belt. I’m charged up. So, it really isn’t too much that will make me stray from this.

By hook or by crook, come hell or high water, I’m making the move to NYC and I’m bout to get this degree.

The Kids Are Alright

I was at work earlier this week, closing shift. It was around 7 and I went outside to smoke a cigarette. (A nasty hobby, I know, but food service will do that to you) Naturally, I’m scrolling on my phone, Facebook, Instagram, email. And when I saw that @newschool.edu domain in my recents, my heart stopped. I could only see the first line of the email cuz I didn’t have any data, but that was all I needed.

“I wanted to personally congratulate you…”.

I literally gagged. I ran back inside and yelled, “I just got into grad school,” to which everyone rejoiced loud and black-ily.

I’m moving to New York City and iss about to go down!

I’m too excited! With graduation just weeks away, I can’t help but feel like I’m on the precipice of the dopest era of my life. Firmly in my twenties, I’m out for adventure and new experiences. In the months leading up to getting my decision letter, I started coming up with plan B’s for if I didn’t get in. I was determined to get to NYC by hook or by crook and started researching job prospects in the city and cheap living arrangements. Even if I had to pound the pavement to stay there, I would do what it takes to sustain a life in my dream city. But now that I know plan A came through, I’m even more excited to move to a new city.

For someone who is quite introverted, being in a space where peer-to-peer interaction is a encouraged, like a classroom, really helps to lessen my social anxiety. And what better way to meet new, progressive-minded people than in the heart of Manhattan at The New School?

Momma, look I’m grown now, iss about to go down, my heart beating so loud…

 

giphy-1

I’m sliding into my season like ole’ buddy, here.

Brain on Drugs #4

I lied about not smoking weed.

Sorry not sorry.

2017 is out this bitch. Not officially, but honestly, the last four months of every year generally fly by in a gust of classes, stress, bills, and credit card debt. So in my mind, this shit is basically over.

That’s not to say shit still can’t go down in the next four months, but I’m not holding my breath.

One of my biggest goals at this juncture is to have at least three pairs of matching socks… Among getting my shit together to apply to grad school and slowly trying to pry myself from the jaws of debt.

Not to downplay all that but the socks thing would just be really personally satisfying.

I’m really thinking NYC is the move.

The application opens any day now and a bitch is ready.

My life finally feels like it’s moving, like it might actually be worth staying alive just so I can see what’s about to happen.

That was dark but I’m a dark bitch so…